What's the procedure for failed threesomes? Do I friend her on facebook this morning?
If penises could fly, my ass would totally be an airport.
drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.
In that case, I'll try 2 find a date. But my options are AA friends or fuck buddies.
Almost just bought a peacock. I need to get off Craigslist
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
i've created a new STD.
You shouted, "LOOK I'M HAWKEYE," and beaned mike with a dildo from across the room.
We need a shit load of segways right now
The cop let us off with a warning because I had more Twitter followers than he did. The future is terrifying.
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
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