ed mcmahon, farrah fawcett, and michael jackson all in one week. What next god, are you juts gonna take my penis too?
Nobody needs to come anywhere. Except on your face.
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.
She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...
Thanks for gettin' me home, killa. Have no IDEA how I woke up pants-less on the bathroom floor at 4a.m. You're like a big, angry guardian angel.
my roommate just showed me the scar on her forehead... that she got from a shake weight... That. just. happened.
The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..
Somehow ended up home, probably had something to do with the makeshift ladder from my second story window. Now headed to church, still drunk, and still fighting back the vomit of a thousand different alcohols. Successful night.
I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka
ok so i got home drunk and was cleaning my kitchen and i was shaking out the throw rug and dropped it out the window, i'm sorry
Don't get yourself off tomorrow. We. Are. Having. Sex. That's that. Just dont do it.
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
