mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
grandma shit on top of the toilet
My Nuvaring birth control makes me queef.
Hannah Montana > iCarly
I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely
if by 'bottleservice' you mean 'bringing beers in my purse' then yes, we are.
I wish I had a waterproof laptop so that I would watch porn in the shower.
I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut
Just make it a game! Like 20 questions STD style.
Last night was so embarrassing. I got like almost blackout drunk and threw up in my hand and then blamed it on someone else.
Things were going really well until his cousin showed up. She told him I look kind of like his mom, which started a ten-minute debate on my and his mother's specific features, and ultimately, who is prettier. Guess who my date picked.
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
I think I just received the most dignified proposition of my life. From the father of the bride. Who'd have thought.
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
