Im mastering the way to pass gas silently.
Im doing kagels to the beat of Christmas music... "Jingle Bells" is hard. Try it.
I got drunk and applied for two credit cards last night. About to find out if anyone in this world is still dumb enough to give me credit.
I just found a beer bottle in my xmas tree while disassembling it. God, I'm going to miss the holidays.
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.
True romance of the 21st century.
Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now
I have vomit stuck in my nose, you should come with a warning label.
We passed my parents while I was giving him road head...that awkward
The upside of a losing football weekend is that there are more sad frat boys willing to let loose their inner gay man.
Mehhh. I just tried to type 'extremely', and it auto corrected to 'creek rot'. IT KNOWS WHAT I LOOK LIKE
he just exposed your dildo usage to the table.
I woke up in a bush somewhere in Tucson with a full suit on. Great way to end my birthday.
well i can officially check "have sex in a prius" off my bucket list...
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
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