I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
We have nothing in common but the sex rocks, would it be awful to develop a drug habit just to have a topic of conversation?
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.
If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.
I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.
Want to get high and go thrifting? I'm trying to succeed making my dorm look like a deranged Applebees.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
You drunkenly hook up with 5 people in one night and suddenly everyone tries to party with you.
Doing the walk of shame at 1 AM. Stumbled across a rave. This night is epic.
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Just realized how behind i am. Will gradually increase drinking until i don't remember that i missed an entire year of class.
Randomize
