Could you please tell them to stop whispering "thundercunt" every time I walk in the room?
Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.
you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar
My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am
Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries
He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't
I have a physical this friday. On a scale from 1-10, 10 being the most judgemental gay bashing, how much judgement am I gonna get from my dr when he checks my balls and sees the cherry tattoo
Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much
Yea... The gym isn't gunna happen today... When I was drunk last night I tried to prove I could front flip off the wheel cover of a semi... I fucked up my shoulder pretty bad... It was more of a roll
I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.
Also you can't just sext a Michelle quote from Full House.
I only know one person in my class and that's my dealer.
Why is it I can't go buy redbull and tylenol pm from a store without getting questions about my health choices?
Haha. I found pics last week of me getting motorboated by a girl while i was taking a shot. Hahaha in my wedding dress. Classy
Fuck him. He can bang that skeezer all he wants. Fuck her lawyerness I’m a YouTube star
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