I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to
We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.
Get everyone into the kitchen. I need you all to witness me friend-zoning him. Just in case.
I know for sure he's a bro because he closed the door so my gf didn't see me hooking up with her cousin.
I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.
Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.
An image of us stuck like that like Pompeii comes to mind. A wonder for future anthropologists
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
Bitch, he is not your friend and this is not Bravo. Get in this car before you get smacked
I met my future husband in an elevator. Think Hispanic version of Dr. Bunsen Honeydew from the Muppets, but with eyes like Michael Fassbender.
I just overheard an "I'm going to get your dick so hard" conversation at Costco.
These beer shits have taken over my entire life.
Bro, I was just laying in bed with this girl and her boyfriend came an woke me up
Randomize
