So I hogged the stall at Denny's for so long that a little kid shit his pants and ran crying to his mother. Am I a terrible person for this being the proudest moment of my life?
hey you didnt make it to our afterparty what happened?
Ran around with a boom box broke a trampoline float, had a girl lick my ear the usual
no... you woke up naked next to the toilet because you said your outfit was too cute to throw up in
So guess who had sex in a Ghostbusters sleeping bag.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
Hey texans ride hard. He should have known what he was in for when I asked to sit on his face. The broken nose was a BADGE he just earned.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Owwwww. Yeah. I can barely move unless Im high on vicodin. We are bad at drinking/balancing. We will be the first to break hips and have to go into a home.
Like my new perfume? It's a combination of Fireball, sex and bad decisions.
The only thing I know is that these arent my shoes and Aaron is missing and he has my house keys.
When you can't finish your jumbo margarita and figure pouring it into a to go box will suffice... Midnight snack?
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
So then edible panties?
Jesus no he likes candy too much, I'd lose a lip
Randomize
