If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.
I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
My grandma put hard boiled eggs on her lasagna. I'm not high enough for this.
I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.
You don't forget tits like those, even if you are vegas drunk.
Did u smell a guys dreadlocks in the McDonald's drive thru line last night or did I dream that?
my dad pointed to my full beer and said drink up we're leaving now.
can you adopt me?
Hey, you can't rush the perfect creeper shot. I need buffer time to hone my skills.
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
He smacked my ass so hard my ass cheek looks like Wilson from Cast Away
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
Anyone who does not consider cereal and wine as a balanced breakfast needs to leave immediately.
Randomize
