Sometimes he's such a bitch I forget that he's not actually a girl. Last night I asked him if I could borrow a tampon.
He had some in his pocket. That was weird.
It's sad that my net worth at the moment is 4 beers
Woke up to pictures of me cooking wings with a blow torch.
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
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She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?
Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
We need to put it on a rope attached to the bong, so it can't be dropped. Apparently, you need a stem safety leash.
I almost stepped in a homeless mans stream of urine as he was peeing. I love this city.
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All i really wanna do tonight is get drunk with you and dance on tables. is that too much to ask?
My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?
She ran over a curb, took out a yard-sale sign and hit a fence before admitting to me that she may be losing her vision "a bit". Never letting grandma drive again.
I got a charlie horse in my ass while masturbating. We are never been going to that boot camp again.
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
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