Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.
Party Liz is going to have to have her wings clipped until someone gets me some baby reins to wear
N.C. cops just used a megaphone to tell me I have a slutty outfit. My life is complete.
The site I use to study flash cards keeps showing ads for truck companies hiring drivers. It's like the site is saying "hey, we all know there's no hope for you, just give up and Become a truck driver."
My night can be summed up in 3 words: Vodka. Threesomes. Hospital.
Can I just skip the lesson I have planned for tomorrow and just teach my students about Prohibition using my impending hangover?
This is why american education is failing
Uhh I just had to break up with a guy who I didn't even know I was dating...
all i want in life is a shot and a cock is that too much to ask
I wrote an entire paper in under an hour about The Nightmare Before Christmas. I was also high as shit and pretty sure I dedicated half the page to the animation but still.
Its really hard to get off when the googly eyes on your vibrator stare into your soul..
nothing like waking up to a voice mail saying your std test came back negative
its 11:20. i'm drunk in class flying paper airplanes for my final. what the fuck is my college experience right now?
I had a dream that you were telling me how good you are at parkour and legit you were doing it just like Michael Scott...
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
