Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
Why does it say "go to Planned Parenthood tomorrow" on my dry-erase board?
he just kept going up to random asian girls and yelling at them for breaking up the beatles
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
And that's when he stuck his finger up his own ass to prove it would feel good...
I'm on the strip, it's like a mini new years eve. Some girl just got taken away on a stretcher with her meter margarita in her hand claiming it's trophy for being awesome. Damn tourists are lightweights.
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
I'm drunk at 3:28
I'm jealous as shit at 3:34
Thank you. I woke up with a beard hair in my mouth. Super classy.
Not gonna lie I just got drunk and started doing applications because I know I'm going into work tomorrow still drunk
This was the first funeral I've ever attended where I had to pee behind a bush cuz someone was passed-out drunk in the locked bathroom. Steve would have been proud.
Randomize
