i'm lost and i look like a hooker
$3 wine plus diet sprite does not make good champagne.
does taste better than andre tho
i just did my hair and make up to walk our dogs.. I hate being the single roommate
Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!
And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.
new years resolution, not be in jail at midnight for 3rd year in a row.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
I was passed out on the dog bed yelling "I UNDERSTAND"
I'm microwaving a frozen bottle of Two Buck Chuck while watching The Proposal with my housemate. I'm not sure what success is like, but I'm fairly confident this isn't it.
Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
I knew no one else would have gone along with it since it's morally wrong and probably illegal. You said, "Yes. And let's add fireworks."
I tried smoking while wearing a horse mask, it was the worst thing I've ever smelled
Just got an x-ray done of my hip and you can clearly see the outline of my penis in it. When the doctor saw it she said "wow I haven't seen one that big on an x-ray before." Pretty sure the doc and the nurses are going to be talking about me on their lunch break.
Randomize
