I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'
I just got a bj @ my old preschool...my childhood memories r all ruined
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
whos cum tastes better, a guy who drinks apple juice or cranberry juice?
Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.
These headphones make me feel like I'm sitting on John Mayers lap and he's singing just to me. I picture like a pitch black room with a single spotlight on us. Also, convinced Kyle to give me percocet soo.
The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid
That kid who fell through your coffee table is here. In a toga.
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
Although I'm glad you didn't let my climb in the sink, I really wish you would have let me pretend to be a duck in the shower for a little longer
It reeks of weed and poor life decisions in here
I had sex while you were puking this morning and I'm sorry. Kind of.
It's ok. I had sex while you were drunk crying last night. We're even.
His name was toto. That should have been my red flag
just blew him in the library. I am a classy dame
if my 20s were a chapter in my autobiography, it would be called "the room is spinning and my hands smell like dick"
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