Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
She is my favorite of all the girls you have fucked. Other than me.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
he just spelled fiance, "pheancie". I dont think he's ready to get married.
My wife googled 'purchase vibrator.' Not sure if I should be excited or offended.
I think my multiple attempts of taking his life, no matter how unintentional they were, has put a damper on our friendship
sleeping in bed with your booty calls married sister...you're the stuff heroes are made of.
he said good things come in small packages and I decided to hook up with someone else
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
he looked at me and said 'happiness is a warm blanket' then stole my vodka.
I knew it was on when all she had to say about the handcuffs was 'I really hope these adjust tighter!'
Pretty sure the waitress here is concerned about well being bc I've been here drinking by myself for 3 hours. If only I could show here FB so she'd know I'm not alone...
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