it was a mass text i'm sorry
do you usually send 'hey sexy' as a mass text?
So My parents cut me off after I started making blood marys with hienz ketchup
Bring mistletoe to the strip club, and they feel obligated. they dont even charge you
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.
Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.
Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
There was another blizzard last night and at one point I was drinking 3 beers at once. Driving home didn't seem like a wise option
Well we did eat French fries lady-and-the-tramp style last night...
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
Randomize
