Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
Oprah is sooooo fat. I can't even concentrate on Mackenzie Phillips talking about banging her dad
That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library
it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster
the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression
For future reference, Twizzlers CAN leave welts.
My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.
Ginormous penis in the breeze, cumming champagne showers into your eye
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Nothing is creepier than a guy telling you "I was just thinking about you" in a men's bathroom when taking a shit
So maybe I got drunk and hooked up with him in a hot tub? I mean that's nothing to be ashamed of, that kind of takes talent. I'd drown.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
Also epiphany: I gotta quit fucking with dudes that have never seen Harry Potter. They all turn out to be shitheads who probably eat honeydew.
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
