I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
"I never want to have to say, 'Please don't squirt me with your breast milk' again.
Also, new rule: You are no longer allowed to send me a text with the word "dildo" in it before 10am.
No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
I love you. We're gonna celebrate your 21st by putting people in duct tape bikinis and pushing them down tequila slip and slides
I'm really hot. went tanning and this cheeseburger shirt like isn't breathable
I did this clutch move yesterday at the bar where I grabbed a plastic cup for water and discreetly threw up in it while walking around and then tossed it. It was my best boot and rally ever
Btw, the reason I have a black eye is bc I needed to puke so hard yesterday morning; I whipped up the toilet seat so fast that I railed myself in the face. Then spent the rest of the day more carefully puking. Kind of why I'm not in the mood for drinking.
How proud should I be that I googled "dildo with wheels" and actually got the result I wanted?
It's a shame, really, because he's got the cock of a horse... And the personality of dry toast.
I am so horny. It's like all the stress of finals week has relocated to my vagina.
Randomize
