Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night
i hope chris hansen doesn't have a boat
The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
That reminds me of that one time you handcuffed me to a table leg while I was reaching for the vodka.
I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.
He was running late for work this morning, so I helped him out by finding a matching pair of black socks. And I hated it. So I'm currently drinking and reminding myself of the reasons I will never get married.
They shoved things up my nose I feel violated
I woke up wearing a headband made of condoms. It was supposed to be a crown for the "prettiest fag hag" award I won last night. There is lube in my hair. I'm going back to sleep
And then you two got up and shouted in near perfect unison "I'M ALWAYS A SLUT FOR BASKIN ROBBINS" The bar just looked at us horrified.
On the flip side, we did almost have sex wearing a gorilla mask and deer antlers.............
last night is slowly putting itself back together. Its one giant slutty puzzle, all the pieces are covered in tequila and shame.
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