Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.
Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.
2nd night home for break and we had to call the fire department to keep the house from burning down. At this rate I'll be lucky to see you next semester.
just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
Cocaine can totally be concealed as MAC finishing powder. Drug dealer creds just went up 120 percent
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
I wasn't even hungover I was just mourning my dignity
Sometimes being bisexual is a curse. Turns out I banged both of her older twin brothers last summer.
Just remember I’m your roommate with extremely questionable morals
Exactly, what could possibly go wrong
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