Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?
Beat you to it.
At least we don't have one night stands
True that. We sink our claws in our men.
She texted me and said she was fingering herself. Don't respond to this because she's the perfect girl. I'd love to smell her cell phone after that.
I assume you meant to text someone else on your contact list instead of your own mother...
Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.
His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...
His dick was poking my bladder. That big...
Its your turn to fuck our RA next time she threatens us with an underage.
Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.
How did you break your hand eating pizza?
Boxes are hard to see rocks through.
For future reference "I'm too drunk to come today" is an acceptable line to get out of work. I love my job
It looks like I promised him my virginity, in spanish. What the hell did you give me?
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
The guy whose porn password I use finally renewed his membership. Lazy fucker had been slacking all summer.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
Do you know anyone else that comes home with unexplainable injuries as many nights a week as we do?
I get dinner and bf perks from the one guy. But dick with no commitment from the other. I’m living my best life.
Randomize
