If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom
Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
Do you remember puking up your retainer into the toilet and putting it right back in your mouth?
He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.
I just had to beg some random guy to help me climb through your porch window since the door was locked. FYI...i hear you having sex in there. You could of at least taken a break to unlock the damn door. WTF!!!
Frankly, since I met you, I practically exist in a state of constant readiness for sex
I'm still, like... really stoked about not having any STDs
When i was leaving for work this morning, i realized the neighbor was passed out drunk, with no pants, and a half eaten whopper on my lawn. Knowing that hey..we have all been there before.. i decided to give him a pillow and a blanket rather than wake him up.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
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