Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I can text with my tongue
I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks
The Wii Fit is already telling me I'm an alcoholic.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem
All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other
I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.
You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.
He was uncircumcised
It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis
They had to stop us from skinny dipping in the reflection pool of the Mormon temple.
It wasn't your birthday, you weren't supposed to be the drunk one
When people keep buying you drinks at the bar because they like you, you can't say no to them
My entire grocery store purchase consisted of Little Debbie snacks and Budweiser
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
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