I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.
Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.
Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission
Some girl just showed me her stretch marks
You need to get out of tn
Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?
Relationships are fuckin' work. And you can't just up and leave with no questions when you really just need to get home because you're about to shit your pants.
You're so wise.
I feel like weed makes my smarter. I'm watching the stocks and the way I understand if, do not invest in Yahoo right now because they are not fit for that.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
I feel like I should treat myself every time I find out I'm not pregnant. Is there a pie company that delivers??
I found more straws in my beard this morning. Please stop doing that.
Okay first of all, that is a sick ass nickname please call me that forever. Second, i need your help.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Randomize
