didnt we say no more talking to eachother
it will help you get over me i promise
im horny
ok i will unlock the door
The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.
My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.
i have to go- we're throwing the dummy from the balcony again
It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.
You asked the waitress what the corking fee would be on the Joose you smuggled into the restaurant.
I asked for my Beats earbuds back and he sent me a pic of them tied around his penis. Now I miss both my great ear buds and his great dick
How do you respond to a booty call from yesterday?
I just did a walk of shame on my own block. one of the old neighbors saw and greeted me "good morning, girl next door"
Go makeout with Mickey Mouse so we can get FastPass tickets
I'm gonna do it. I'm gonna write gay mortal kombat fanfic. May the gods be praised for whisky
I vomited out my contact lenses last night
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
If the people you’re with use the word tequila in a sentence with phrases like hair of the dog or breakfast of champions...run awsy
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
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