he wouldn't shut up and let me sleep
yeah i got into a fight with my man last night
why can't men just shut up and put out?
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'
How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation
my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.
Some chick just tried to plug her vodka into the wall.
It's been a wonderful constant drunkeness. We played Marco polo with some random like 8 yr olds in the kiddie pool.
the last guy with this job had a bookshelf fall on him. He's in the Er. Im high and they gave me his shift. How do you think i feel?
Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad
I'm reliable. I always make it home. I always throw up in the street too.
You gotta buy me dinner first. Or smoke me out. Both are equally chivalrous
After my lunch today, I've got $10 till Sunday night. I am losing at life.
Oh my god, my vagina is cursed. He's cursed my vagina so that no one but him can maintain a boner around me. I'm sure of it.
This date is awful. He’s too boring to bang
Is porn accurate? Can I order a pizza and do the delivery boy?
Randomize
