my mouth smells like i just ate out a crab.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm
Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???
Wrapped in a blanket, just ate a whole party pizza. All my dreams are coming true and you don't even care.
BECKY! ITS ANDY FROM LAST NIGHT WITH THE PILL
Andy, Sorry you have the wrong number. But good luck with Becky!
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Dude. You gotta go home. I think I left the snake hanging on the chandelier.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
You were mean to me and you broke my heart and hurt my feelings. You dont get to talk to me about Peter Dinklage
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
How does one get out of sexting without being rude? I'm trying to watch Downtown Abbey
Masterbating to Tolstoy. You?
These random guys found me. They told me not to wander in the woods and i remember saying 'am i fucking Bambi?! I'm not gonna walk into woods!' then i threw up.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
