How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.
guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME
she's like the human form of herpes, as soon as you think she's gone for good you have another out break.
i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.
I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head
It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.
judging from the lines on my body they wheeled me back in a shopping cart
don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.
And I'm ok with his balls touching my ass
So I passed out with my boxers on in the hotel jacuzzi at 5am.. The manager who kicked me out was pretty cute so I left my name and number for her at the front desk. I'm giving it a 50/50 she calls.
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
He said I taste like cake. Like funfetti. So I feel like if he doesn't come back for that he's just dumb
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
She told me the next morning I stared at her tits for like 15 minutes with binoculars from only a few seats away.
Randomize
