How do you jack off and text at the same time?
On my iPhone they have an app for that
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass
Is there a law against that?
Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
My arms are still sore. Apparently, lube wrestling is the best workout ever.
I brought him flowers on my way home from cheating on him. Boyfriend of the year award right here.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
I had tater tots and weed with a stripper at 4am who compared the size of my boob to her head because fuck you my life rocks
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
My dog misses eating marshmallows out of your butt when you're passed out. That bordered on sex abuse, now that I think about it. My bad.
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
No, you are in the clear. The police officer finally just said "I give up" and walked away.
The coast is clear - also, would it bother you if I chose not to wear pants?
Social anxiety problems: I just had to get up and change stalls mid-poop because someone sat down in the one next to mine.
Randomize
