she has a tiny mouth but huuuge vocal chords
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
you were grabbing cocks left and right
you literally grabbed sam's dick and said, "who's cock is this?!"
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay
when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.
i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.
Just puked in the monkey exhibit at the zoo. They ate it. I don't want a pet monkey anymore.
I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Dad danced with a girl half his age and her boyfriend just sat at the bar and waited for dad to be done. I bought pity nachos.
I'm not sorry for loving America more than everyone else
skyped with him for 45 min in the bath while i shaved my legs. new level in the relashionship
Randomize
