sometimes in life you just needs hand puppets
Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
giving yourself 2 days to recover i see
I'll need it. Largely because i'm going to be stumbling through fancy restaurants with a bottle of whiskey insulting couples all night.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?
I bet his dick wears a tuxedo.
Just saw an all male dolphin threesome from underwater viewing
I can't wait til I'm a real grown up and am no longer expected to take 7 shots of raspberry ruby as a pregame to a night of drinking natty lite
Remember that time I got suspended in eighth grade, well it was like that but I was on acid and wearing goggles
should we try and roll a cross joint since its good friday? you know, for jesus
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
I just want him to hold me after a bad midterm. Is that even too much to ask for after sleeping with him twice?
Everything is fine, it's not hung over in here at all\n\n*Narrator* *but in fact everything was not fine*
just woke up to an abnormally swollen ankle (broken, perhaps?) and a shirtless man with the most beautiful abs I've ever seen sleeping on my floor.
is your ankle ok??
WHY IS HE ON THE FLOOR. SINCE WHEN DOES BLACKOUT ME ALSO COCKBLOCK ME
Randomize
