Sometimes I wonder if we could be friends if we lived closer.
is it true guys wash their penises in the sink if they think they're getting laid at a bar?
it's more of a rinse.
So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?
I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.
He pulled out, and the resulting cumstain on my sheets is in the shape of a fetus. The irony of this is both awesome and terrifying.
Just woke up to the best idea ever. Vodka infused BUTTER. Take a second, and think of the possibilities.
He asked me to hum the Ghost Busters theme song as I was going down on him
The only things in my fridge are almond milk, Smirnoff Ice and chicken noodle soup. I'd say I've done mama proud.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
Then I did coke with my taxi driver where he then ended up paying me for the drive. You should try being a girl sometime it's super sick.
You should not have followed "the guy who peed in my bed" with "he smells good."
Look, all I'm looking for is a good time and someone whose chest I can bury my face in
I'm driving to his house to eat chicken and hopefully have an orgasm
I wish so many great beards were not attached to even greater jerks. All that face sitting potential wasted. Some of the greatest tragedies of this century.
I AM SO HORNY, I AM GOING TO DIE. I NEED SOMEONE TO WISH MY VAGINA A MERRY CHRISTMAS.
Randomize
