You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it
She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.
As per my father's affair, married men are no longer off limits.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend
I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.
So I walk in and he's teaching someone in London via Skype how to roll a blunt. I have new found respect for him.
Captain America stopped by our tailgate. He ate a taco.
My walk of shame wasn't complete until I projectile vomited clutching my truck bumper while he just smiled with that look of regret.
I don't know if I want to fuck him or punch him in the face.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
I will pay you in sex, beer and popcorn if you will come fold my clothes for me.
Add free use of your panini press and its a deal.
Deal.
Don't forget to grab a pregnancy test and sloppy joe mix for tonight
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
