He asked about stds. I told him I don't have any... which I don't. They are now called sti's. Whooopsie
I feel like I shouldn't be doing my banking stoned. But I bought a new bowl. Her name is Sharpe. Pronounced Shar-Pay.
I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.
I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?
Oh my god, I totally forgot we call your penis "Godzilla's Tail".
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I think the exact words were 'I'd lett him to the weirdest shit to me'
So I just crossed my legs and I was like what is this lump on my leg? Oooh its my underwear from last time I wore these jeans...
I resisted the urge to announce that it looks like a big crystal butt plug
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
He held my hand in public and I nearly came. Like he needs to be inside of me yesterday.
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
