They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.
I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!
Yea idk it was like early in the morning and you were walking around with no shoes carrying a printer
Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.
Well the police had to intervene and I couldn't exactly feel my legs by the end of the night, but I'd say it was a successful Friday night.
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
it'll be okay! And just think of this ultrasound as the most action you've had in a month...
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
You put on a bike helmet, yelled "doesn't matter fuck it" then punched a stick the fire
Current state of being: shivering like a new born kitten on the bathroom floor
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
Me: I shouldn't go to the airport bar it's too expensive and I don't need it. Dark me: SHOTS AT 7 AM
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
The guy I slept with in AZ just called and is moving here next week.
Randomize
