Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??
No I remember falling down the stairs I just don't remember it hurting.
found out this morning via facebook that the guy i met last night has a wife and a baby and he took me to his apartment where he takes girls to cheat on his wife
i mean you met him at the daytona 500
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
I put an asterick after the names of people in my phone that I've fucked. Both as a form of bragging, and also so I can actually remember all their names.
He set two of my ex boyfriends on fire at two different bars without anyone knowing it was him or how it happened either time. He might be a fucking super hero
I mean, they were small fires and no one got hurt, but still. Awesome.
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Hey, remember when Hot Stuff played in the back of the ambulance? Or no, cause of your concussion...
Woke her up in the middle of the night with the smell from a fart. So proud of my colon.
Do you remember the bathroom attendant when he put out his hand for a tip and you gave him a high five?
I feel like an involuntary Mother Theresa. I DON'T WANT TO BE ABSTINENT!
She wanted a dick pic so I sent her brett Favres dick pic then she asked why I have pictures of old men's beautiful dicks
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
I answered the booty call in my Trophy Wife cutoff and my ex-boyfriends sweatpants with a bottle of jager.
and how was that received?
I feel like a dancer trapped in the body of a math instructor. Love, Mom
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