I just spent my lunch hour driving around campus yelling "TRADE LIVES WITH ME!" to all the freshmen moving in
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.
Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.
My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"
Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america
I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined
No. Dude. I didn't knoe it eas floibg to move. It's slepprru ixuy!
nothing out of the ordinary. you aplogized for having a spicy vagina and passed out
He wore socks while I was giving him head. I couldn't even focus on his penis because of the socks.
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
What's the best day of the week to potentially find out you're pregnant with your ex's baby?
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
Just to let you know we went to the circus yesterday...in case you didn't remember
That has got to be a joke. No human eats that much grass and lives to tell the tale.
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