my vagina has a 5:00 shadow
It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.
Say it nicely.
Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?
I was blowing him while he was singing Happy Birthday to his girlfriend on the phone. I win.
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Given he decided my interview was a date, showed up drunk and insisted on carrying me everywhere, we weren't off to a good start.
The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body
Worst case scenario, I put a giant cork in your vagina so you don't give birth before my birthday
so I'm staring at this cat and wondering..is the tail of the cat the derivative of it's head?
stop getting stoned after studying for a calc final.
Totally just drove past you riding your bike. I was like damn, that looks like a cute little hipster boy, and then I realized it was you and that I'd already banged you and it kinda made my day. I hope you're well. Come over soon?
You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
Would you paint my ceiling for oral sex?
never let me tell the bartender to cut me off, i basically told on myself
Randomize
