I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.
i found your underwear in my bra... i dont even remember how this happened.
shit. all i remember is the look on your moms face.
i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.
All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss
OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?
Doritoesssssss
What's the wine called that we really like and we usually drink it with xanax?
We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
I hope in my next life I'm a sterile trophy wife. With a husband who showers me in wealth and gifts but can't get a hard on. Do you think my karma is good enough for that?
I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.
In a weird way, I don't want to stalk him on Facebook. I want to find out what's wrong with him the old-fashioned way. Is this what it means to be romantic?
Someone is giving away free yogurt on craigslist. Can I get a ride?
Do you know how hard it is to give a bj in your dead grandmothers car
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Well I'm a full service fuck buddy so lemme know if I can get you food or water or anything
I just discovered my new vice. Cotton candy vodka. Its like a carnival in my mouth, puking of the tilt-a-whirl included.
Randomize
