Apparently mediocre decisions were made last night. I woke up alone in my own bed with my fridge defrosted.
And I didn't go to bed alone. I am buckets of fail.
The woman at walgreens tried to sell me clearance condoms with my fake eyelashes. Does it look like I get laid?
Which one of you FUCKERS filled the toilet with soil and planted my mothers daisys in it? NOT FUCKING HAPPY
burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef
He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.
Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"
Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?
I just googled, "how to do boob makeup" thats the kind of night I wanna have.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
The brazilian leg lock that the stripper put me in was definitely the highlight of the night
You must take up my position now. You must pass out in awkward places as I taught you... Sears a hotel elevator and Burger King bathroom. You potential for greater young grasshopper.
if i don't get grease into my system pronto i will undoubtedly die
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
You can't die you're my only democrat family member
Just asphyxiate me and toss my corpse in the Ocean. It'll be easier than whatever the next four or eight years will bring.
Randomize
