She said she didn't have time to shave "there"
Then she shouldn't have had time to order the lobster.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...
i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor
We decided to cut you off after you insisted on eating peanuts by the dumpster
Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour
I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.
Good morning sunshine. Care to hear the riveting tale of Michelle and the Almost Great Night That Ended In An Early Morning of Karma Emptying It's Bowels On Her Guilty Shoulders?
And I'm still awake, and you left me. Like the guy on Jurassic Park, that jumped out of the car expecting me to save myself while there is a man eating T-rex ready to tear my ass apart except theres a mathematician and paleontologist there to save me because they are bad asses.
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I couldn't fall back asleep it was too bright so I just took my sports bra off and put it over my eyes
Yeah, nothing like barfing into a grocery bag you just put dog shit into.
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
My chance to home wreck was right in front of me and I didn’t grab it by the balls
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
