go do what you do best...puke behind churches
I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland
I cherish every text you send me
LETS GO REDSKINS!
Quit drinking and watching your DVR, it's wednesday.
She kept looking at me and saying "you are the scary high".
YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!
Only one tier
Tastes like cardboard anyway
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
I ordered a VEGAN pizza, because it gets here the fastest, just so I could get a 2 litre of Coke. For my whiskey.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.
the problem is i have six tabs of acid in my freezer and no self control
so the kid in line in front of me at walmart just bought roses and a Plan B pill. Happy Valentines Day.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
You have talents. You got me laid two weekends in a row in two different cities.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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