The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.
I'm stranded in the Hampton area. Looks like I'm going to have to take one for the team and pass out by this applebees.
i'm going to invent a mini fridge that can hang from faucets so i don't have to get out of the bathtub anymore for a cold beer. its a million dollar idea
You straddled the banister and fell down the stairs, then proceeded to crawl back up them, I think you need to lay down
In other news my cocaine dealer got arrested for heaving some kid out of a fourth story window.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I'm going to get high and eat ice cream until the pain goes away. You're welcome to join.
They asked me my level of pain at the hospital and I told them I called my ex 6 times
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
How high are you rn
Well I just ate a cheesecake straight from the box with a fork and now I’m laying upside down in a recliner chair seeing if I can Uber eats Doritos
So not that high
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