Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Anyone ask you how much a bj cost yet? That shirt is so whorish
While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.
My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
don't thank me. stop putting your penis in foreign objects.
He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.
That bitch ruined vodka saturday
its the kind of night you break several limbs and say you were lucky
We found Mulan.
I thought you were in bed what the hell
So I pass out narcotics if its a girl?
Mom has wine in a to go cup. It's that kind of night.
Who died my cat blue again?
I’m gonna slowly take you in my mouth and push you deep into my throat so my lips are right up against your body and then I’m gonna fucking bite your shit off if one more of our friends shows me a snap you took while I was giving you head. Are we clear?
Damn that sucks I haven't needed pants the whole time i've been here
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
