This girl looks like a mixture of kathy griffin and bill walton. i havent decided if that is a good thing.
i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"
I woke with a ring of glitter around my dick.... I kinda don't want to wash it off
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
I just found three unopened cans of PBR behind our futon that I think I was saving for winter.
All we had was a keg so we played edward nalgene-hands
Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.
a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
i am bringing shame upon my ancesors with my weak liver valhalla will never accept me
Why is there puke in my guitar?
Because you puked in your guitar.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.
We got cut off at a bar at 4pm. We aren't human
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