I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.
Are you high?
No. That's why it's odd
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
he shattered multiple jars of jelly against his roommates doors last night. this morning the asian one wouldn't even talk to him because he thought he was gonna get beaten up
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.
thanks so much for stopping me from telling him i want to have sex with him while i proceeded to hookup with the air.
I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.
Dear Beer Goggles, it's time to see the eye doctor. With love, your biggest fan.
Getting my nails done with Diana... I'm going for the keep your friends close and the girl who's dating the guy you want to fuck closer
Withdrawals are gods way of saying "you're still my bitch"
so it turns out the huge bruises on my knees are from drunk bmxing and not getting railed from behind on the ground
and ill have you know that I only wiped out twice
If I show up to the mall alone looking like I do to purchase a vibrator and some Japanese food, I would judge me too.
Would it be inappropriate to send a friend request to the sheriff that fingerprinted me last night???
Randomize
