I kissed a girl and did not like it. Now I hate Katy Perry even more.
omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...
what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?
self-loathing.
Just wondering why in an apartment full of stoners there is half a waffle in the TRASH CAN. get ur shit together man
I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.
Apparently tackling a bar stool and crashing to the floor while yelling for 6 shots of whiskey won't get you thrown out on St Pattys Day.
I decided that $2 and a kiss on the cheek was a great tip for the pizza girl. No one is REALLY sure how much I've have to drink.
It just hit me that I woke up to you in a bear suit. Explain.
my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.
I wasn't hungover this morning. My head just hurt because someone tried to suction cup a dildo to my forehead.
I hope your lack of response means you're banging, not talking about her purity ring.
This hurricane was the perfect excuse to buy 2 pounds of animal crackers and a case of beer. It's on Sandy.
OH MY GOD I AM DYING. AS I WAS TEXTING I JUST BUMPED INTO A MOTHER FUCKING DEER. I AM SHAKING
Wait...Literally? You hit a deer...with your body?!
I PHYSICALLY RAN INTO IT. I FELT ITS WEIRD HAIR AND I EVEN APOLOGIZED CAUSE IT DINDT REGISTER THAT IT WASNT A PERSON. MORTIFIED.
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Randomize
