she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
2 showers later and I'm still finding cum on random body parts of mine
No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.
First lesson of the year: don't close the bar on mondays
Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face
Is singing the Indiana Jones theme while I put on the condom off limits?
I'm not the one who can lose their erection, so it's fair game
We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.
Meanwhile I'm working a fucking flute workshop and I'm one high c away from shoving a flute up the asshole of the next passerby
No, supporting your unemployed boyfriend IS NOT what credit cards are for.
Sometimes I look at her and just start choking. She is that much of an evil entity.
Randomize
