Never drink rum straight from the bottle, even if people say it'll make you a pirate. It won't: it'll make you a bumbling shitfaced idiot who just drank rum straight from the bottle.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost
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My spanish isn't great but I'm pretty sure he was calling me a "little monkey" while I was blowing him
what's an appropriate "I'm fucking your grandson but I'm trying to hide it" outfit?
If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.
And by one day I mean once every two weeks.
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I'm covered in European cum. How's your day going?
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I went to the bar without a bra on pretty sure you can go to Taco Bell drive thru with no pants
Just broke into a house and crawled through a window. Upside: getting laid.
The part of "Dave" will now be played by "Rob." Rob, why don't you unzip and show Dave why that is.
Why does my nose taste spicy?
How do you know what your nose tastes like?
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
I will warn you that there is a pic of me riding a buffalo....and for the record, I was completely sober!!
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