The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
I hate it when you make eye contact with someone bcs you are about to make fun of them and they take it as a hint to come hit on you.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.
Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.
In other words, he somehow found his way to my apartment, wasted, and was naked on my new couch. Completely naked. It was too special to pass up.
Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong
Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.
I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike
I realize designer coke was a douchey thing to say but the point of the story is I did bath salts
Showed up 15 minutes late and curtsied when I entered the door if that puts perspective to how my first day is going
Does your Fitbit monitor your liver failure?
I think about him when I masturbate so I guess you could call it love
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
Randomize
