for on dont try to tell me you love me after three weeks of talking, for two if you are going to do that stay away from the song lyrics to a very good country song that you happened to ruin by using it, and for three erase my number im fuckin your sister now
Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
My body hates me. Pretty sure I drank 3 pitches full of coffee last night and took two adderal. I slept and ran a marathon at the same time. You should see my bed.
Is it weird that the best sex I've ever had was to Barbara Streisand's Christmas album?
I think I almost ran over some kid I went to high school with. Guilt factor: moderate to low.
In 18 months of being married we've had sex with 7 different couples. Who said you can't have your cake and eat it.
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Randomize
