ill give you a foot job if you come over before 4
I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
As soon as he told me I had a 'pretty laugh' I knew I'd be putting out more than I had originally planned.
Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude
Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note
No. And Marissa said shitting in the handicap bathroom at work does not get you into the club. You have to shit yourself. She said.
The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.
I'm curious as to what my outfit choices drunk me made for this weekend.
Your mission, should you decide to accept it, is to pick up rum, beer, and cigarettes. Your holiday will self-destruct if you ignore this message.
I'm going to need a penis the size of a bat
Dude, never piss off a hungover boss.
Woke up with an entire pizza face down in my bed beside me... untouched. Never beer bong a whole bottle of wine.
Randomize
