i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
I don't know what you're talking about but its dick galore in the tub. We will be getting poked tonight. Bring forks.
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.
I woke up in a trash can. Please dude. I don't know what I did to you last night, but I'm sorry. Epically sorry. Please call me back. Please.
I dunno what's worse, the fact that I hooked up with a guy that shaves his armpits or that I didn't notice until he brought it up the next day
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
So is the trick to long distance communication to be drunk during phone conversations?
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
Drinking wine while working. Yay.
Just had sex at the YMCA.
We are so productive today.
Hahah I’ve never had someone stop me mid-coitus to tell me how amazing I am. Def ego boost.
last night someone said that theyd like to do drugs with a dolphin ... judging from the diagram on the wall we figured it out.
all we need now is a dolphin ... and some drugs.
I don't think you understand I turned down McDonalds for you.
Randomize
