Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship
Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie
If you're still on campus there's a jack and coke in the bathroom of fondren science Bldg. Too strong to bring to class.
Also I think I'm starting to get calluses on my hands from my level of sexual activity
I cried singing "call me maybe" on the way home from the bar. What the fuck
How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color
Wait do you remember that guy last night asking to use my nose ring to open his beer.......
Is there a greeting card for "I can't keep being The Other Woman"?
The profile of her ass is just unreal. Weird way to use profile I know, but never more accurate
did i just see you in the movie theater carrying a margarita into Frozen?
All the 6 year olds are jealous of my alcohol
I think were only still together so we can make each other miserable
Dude I can't beleive you didn't wake up. I literally f'd her IN THE DISHWASHER. Btw I'm pretty sure I also kinda broke the dishwasher.
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