I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs
I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.
the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.
I just five second ruled a donut I dropped at starbucks, everyones staring
Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.
I'don't know who your are but its that time a day. Drunk it up. Did you buy a House for goundhogs days?
I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite
why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?
Just puked off the 5th floor onto a car windshield. This is my life and I'm proud of it.
And I'm determined to make an Eiffel Tower happen sometime. I just don't know who will take the pic (first world sex problem?)
I just walked out topless, stared his brother straight in the eye, and ate all the rest of their cookie dough.
WHAT IS MY LIFE THAT THE ONLY PERSON INTERESTED IN FUCKING ME IS MY 6TH GRADE MATH TEACHER
Napping in front of family members can be embarrassing when you get a christmas boner in your sleep
She tried to fuck me right at the bar in front of everyone. She actually got my pants unzipped before I realized what was going on.
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
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