Capitaan dildo arrescate!
I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.
he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?
You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....
One question: Why is your trash can full of blood and pop-tarts?
She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
He's not so smart and obsessed with sex and lacks listening comprehension skills. I feel like i'm dating a sexually competent sesame street character.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
The only responsible thing ive done in vegas is shower and that was onky to clean vomit off me
I'm now drinking beer through a straw. By order of the bartender.
I'm about to ride on a tractor i have no time for you
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
the guy in front of me in walmart is buying a blowtorch, potato chips, and condoms. I'm curious and horrified at the same time.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
