After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
Come here. I'm drunk. Family Function. Intense Pro-life vs. Pro-choice debate. Bring Republicans.
Hey guess what I got for Valentine's day? Debt and blue balls.
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.
All I remember is lecturing my dog about how she's a lucky bitch to have a structured eating and shitting schedule.
He refused to pierce my nipples, saying they are the best he's ever seen and that blemishing them would be a crime
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
So, I'm a little drunk in Seattle with Glenna, but we've all agreed that it's patriotic to think about Bill Clinton from time to time during sex. 'Merica
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
I've been sleeping with the same person for about two months now, I think I know a little bit about stability and commitment.
You wanna see what happens when frozen corn meets an unhappy Andrew's face?
Did you come home, throw out a ton of shoes, then leave again?
That is exactly what I did.
Randomize
