New record: 45 minutes. Afterwards I played We Are The Champions while we cuddled.
We couldn't find any ping pong balls, so we used a fishing bobber. Could we be more country?
her facebook's as public as her vagina
States back in the final four. Now our sunday night drinking has purpose. Sparty on baby.
she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave
dude wearing that thong all day was not worth the 7 bucks
He pointed at some girls and said "I'm gonna have sex with them girls over there", and disappeared.
Nope, can't do it. It's a snowball effect. Today, leggings as pants. Tomorrow, female hitler. Natural progression.
Drunk texting is the poetry of my life
Dude that chick had a dog in her car. Like when she goes bar hoping so does roofus. He gaurds the car.
Plus, I have my cousin, the dominatrix, to help me out if things get out of hand
Look, he's a hot korean guy with a motorcycle and a great ass. I'm gonna do head-titingly kinky shit with him.
Is it acceptable to pay for WiFi on flights solely for the purpose of getting on Tinder to find a sugar daddy on the plane that doesn’t mind upgrading me to first class?
Do it. You’re flying for two weddings. You’re gonna need that first class.
My school has hired a professional rum bottle juggler for our dining hall this evening.
One can only be this extremely wet once a year and I feel like I'm bitch slapping god by not using this gift he has bestowed on me.
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