it turns out vodka filled condoms arent that funny
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in
my post shower fart this morning sounded like hulk ripping through a phonebook
its weird that my cat bites every fat chick i bring home. i repeat every fat chick, qhT KINDA FRIEND ARE YOU
Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated
Whatever, I used my iphone to send an Escalade to pick up a booty call last week. For free. It is futuristic as fuck out here.
The walk home lasted longer than the sex. He lives in the flat above the bar.
she hacked my macbook and downloaded an illegal version of the original pokemon red, completely nude in my computer chair. there were several levels of hornyness existing all at once
coughing up blood. I'm leaving for the doctor now. P.S. I just won $350 on the wheel of fortune machine in the casino.
I need to be her Aladdin, and show her the world. The sex world.
I think I fucked someone on the flight home last night.
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I'm on someone's yacht. I don't know who. But I'm on it. There's a guy passed out in a kilt holding bagpipes. Help.
Randomize
